Losing my mother this year has been different than when I lost my dad. After my dad passed away, I think I cried every morning in the shower for six months. I cried in the shower because I didn't want my husband and daughter to worry about how grief-stricken I was feeling. Part of me ached because my mother dismissed my grief about his passing. In her opinion, none of us was missing him like she was. I thought she was trying to corner the market on the grief. So I cried alone in the shower.Losing my mother has left me more numb. I think part of it is that I was left the administrator of the estate and feel it a burden. There is just so much stuff to deal with. There is the house to deal with after the stuff has been dealt with. There is so much more emotional baggage. I wasn't prepared for her to die the way she did.
With my dad, I had few regrets. I spent as much time as I could with him, especially the couple of years leading up to his passing. I could see it coming. I prepared for it. I made decisions that would minimize the regrets. With my mom, I have a lot more things that haunt me. My life now is so busy. I work full-time and babysit my adorable little grandson on a regular basis. I barely have time to do my housework and the laundry and fulfill my other commitments. I think we all lived in denial that she might leave us. I haven't really had time to grieve for her much. But I am amazed at how the grief can sneak up on me. 
The Christmas tree is decorated. I love old ornaments and have been collecting them since I was a teenager. I knew there were a couple boxes at my mom's that had some of her old ornaments. My daughter and I stopped by her house this week to see what was there. We found three boxes of Christmas stuff. Some I sent home with my daughter as they are duplicates of what I already have. Some things we will sort out after Christmas and divide up what we want. One box I brought home because it contained the ornaments I remember from when I was little. It struck me once again all the neat things my mother had collected and put away. She hasn't had room for a Christmas tree for at least the last 15 years, but she had all these ornaments. She never got to enjoy them. It is the same story with so much of what she had. She had the neatest stuff but never got to enjoy any of it because there was no place to display it.
I wish things had been different. I wish we could have gone through a lot of this stuff with her and heard the story of where she found it or what she was going to do with it. I wish we could have shared it with her more. I am decorating my tree this week with so many wonderful ornaments that she gave me and a few that we've found as we have been sorting through the stuff. I know she loved coming over and admiring my tree every Christmas season because of getting to see the things she had given me and because she didn't have a tree of her own. I am missing her so much. This year I put almost every ornament I have on my Christmas tree. This one is for you, Mom! ~Jane
Wow, those are really unique!
ReplyDeleteI think I've mentioned to you, my mom was a keeper of things, too, although not to the level your mom was. At the point she died, she had three trees she put up each year.
Still, because she kept so much, it was very hard to know what was important to her. I go through my belongings a few times each year and rid myself of things I don't use or no longer have an attachment too. I wouldn't want my son to have the burden you are dealing with, and the burden I dealt with--to a lesser degree.
My mom always made Christmas so special. After 19 without her, I miss her just as much as I did that first one, though the stunning grief isn't there I find I cry at odd moments still.
That's called love.
All the ornaments above are ones that I've had for years. The harp is a special one that has been on our Christmas trees for as long as I can remember. When I left home, my mom gave it to me for our tree. The others I've collected over the years or been given.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post and beautiful ornaments!
ReplyDelete